At GITMO, Newsom Blames Pelosi–for Everything!

Gavin Newsom has recovered from a vaccine-induced coma that left him bedridden and intubated for two weeks, and is currently telling investigators from the Judge Advocate General’s Corps that he ought to be exempt from prosecution because he had only ever followed Nancy Pelosi’s instructions, said a JAG source under promise of anonymity.

On Monday investigators took a deposition from Newsom, who seemed more concerned over his recent illness than showing remorse for crimes he stands accused of committing against the State of California and the nation. He claimed he should not have gotten ill. He should not have gotten ill, he said, because he never intended to take a legitimate Covid-19 vaccination, but a placebo. He told investigators someone had pulled “the old switcharoo” and that he suspected Nancy Pelosi.

According to our source, JAG investigators were struck dumb over why Newsom blamed his lifelong friend and comrade in crime instead of trying to implicate conservative enemies.

When told he will soon face a military tribunal, a gushing Newsom told investigators that the person they really wanted was Nancy Pelosi, not him. He implored upon his interrogators that he had personally opposed lockdowns, bankrupting businesses, and mask and vaccination mandates. To crystalize his stance on mandates, Newsom recounted an incident where he and his family had dined maskless at a posh restaurant, the French Laundry, telling investigators he would never have entered the restaurant without a mask if he truly endorsed mandates. At the same time, Newsom tried to impose fines and jailtime on citizens who followed his behavior.

“Rules for thee but not for me,” a JAG investigator said to Newsom. “That’s what your constituents say. You will stand before a military court—that’s a God-given certainty now. You’re being given an opportunity to come clean and possibly avoid a death sentence.”

But Newsom maintained his innocence. He decried the interrogation, and he contended that Pelosi had threatened to withhold state funding and damage his reelection campaign unless he abided her demands—locking down the state and criminalizing non-mask compliance.

“I was deathly afraid of that bitch. She threatened to sink me unless I went along with her plans. We all had to obey; it wasn’t just me. I towed the line to protect my family and my state. You should leave me alone and go get her,” Newsom reportedly told investigators.

But JAG, our source said, wasn’t swayed by Newsom’s insincerity. Visibly shaken and frightened, Newsom tried without success to coax from investigators what evidence the military had against him.

“We have no obligation to disclose anything to you. But we know you’re not being truthful with us. I suppose Pelosi also put a child pornography dungeon in your basement and made you rape young girls,” an investigator said.

Newsom, our source added, appeared to feign shock at the accusation. He argued that any evidence to that effect was manufactured by Pelosi, the military, or Donald Trump. When told JAG had possession of a video clip showing what looked to be a pre-teen girl performing oral sex on him, Newsom suddenly changed his tune, saying that any extra-marital affairs he “may or may not have had” were with adult women who only looked young, as that was his preference.

JAG investigators said they had identified the girl and ascertained she was 14 years old when the video was made.

“We gave you a chance to be honest. You didn’t take it. In a little over a week, you’ll be seated opposite a military commission and Rear Adm. Crandall. Good luck,” investigators said.

“Pelosi set me up!” Newsom screamed as GITMO security escorted him to his Camp Delta cell.

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